There are still moments

In 1993 we lost a son just after his birth, to a genetic chromosomal defect.  I will never forget him, of course, but most days I can rest in the fact that we'll be together in heaven. 

But there are moments, when the loss and his absence are very real and still painful.  When Will died our girls were little, Leigh Anne was 3 and Lara just 17 months old, so I was busy for the first few years, and tried really hard to keep my mind off of the loss.  I just really tried not to think about it much. or at least avoid reminders.  but there were still moments...

For years, I walked the halls at church to avoid being in the sanctuary during baby dedication services. When he would have been in early elementary school, watching friend's little boys play ball games, was hard.  When the father / son campouts were planned, Steve helped plan, but didn't go.  When the girls started having boys for friends, I wondered what Will would be like as a middle schooler.

When Steve was teaching Lara to drive, I thought about how it would have been to have a boy coming up as a driver just behind her. When there were boy issues I really missed Will, I really wanted a brother there to beat up those jerks I could only pray away.  When Lara and 4 friends went to prom together I wished she'd had a brother to be the one to escort them all.  When Lara moved away to college I longed for my boy to still be at home and be with me.

And now, as graduation time approaches, my heart aches again.  Will would be graduating this year. We'd be planning his big graduation party and getting ready for college and dorm life.  

As we are planning Leigh Anne's wedding, it brings tears too, because I don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle; she doesn't have a brother to include in the groomsmen. 

There are still moments, when tears fall and my heart aches, and I crawl up into my Father's lap and let Him reassure me that He knows my pain.  He gave up His Son, willingly, for me.  I cannot even imagine...

Changes, changes, changes.... again

This is my last week at State Farm. I will miss my customers. I will miss my boss. I will miss my friend Meg.  But I am excited about my new job! I am looking forward to learning new things and working with new people.

I think I should celebrate. with a new outfit. and a new purse. and maybe a new pair of shoes!!  hahaha

I hate dieting...

Really, hate it. Yes, I know hate is a terrible word, but oh well.  I am determined to lose some weight before my daughter's June 3rd wedding.  I really wanted to start last fall when Jonathan proposed.  I really wanted to start my diet when Leigh Anne first asked if I had an idea of what I was going to wear. I really wanted to start trying when my sweet friends offered to be my accountability.  But my ridiculous, crazy life kept getting in the way!! And I really like to eat. Yeah, that's a problem when you need to diet.

So the ridiculousness of my lack of self control and weakness of my flesh really hit me as I was driving down Western. I drove past Wendy's and McDonald's.  As I drove by I got a whiff of french fries... and nearly drove off the road.  NOW THAT IS JUST STUPID. I didn't stop, I didn't give in.  But it still made me swoon a little.  which again, is really stupid, considering I don't even eat french fries very often when I'm NOT DIETING!!  oh brother.

Though the cherry trees don't blossom
   and the strawberries don't ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
   and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless
   and the cattle barns empty,
I'm singing joyful praise to God.
   I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God's Rule to prevail,
   I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
   I feel like I'm king of the mountain!
Habukkuk 3:17-19

Despite my circumstances, no matter what I see or don't see, whether I understand what God is doing or not, YET will I rejoice in the Lord.  Praise is a choice I will make. I cannot forget how good God is and how temporary this life is. I need to focus and meditate on what the word says, on who I know Him to be in my life, on what I know He has already done and what His promises are to me. Only through continual praise will my perspective change. And boy, does my perspective need to change.

It seems our lives are in a constant state of change. Life is never boring at our house. I have to continually remind myself that change is good... it means that my children are growing up - into the productive members of society I'd hope they'd become.  it means that my family is growing - I've prayed for Godly husbands for my girls all of their lives and Jonathan is exactly the answer to that prayer.  it means that Steve and I are settling into a new phase of our marriage - one we've never really had - being alone - we got married November 3rd, got pregnant in January and had our first child October 22nd. We had to have a babysitter on our first anniversary. crazy.

I will praise.  through all the stuff.  through the tears. and the change.  I will praise.

Jason Craft is preaching a series on being a people of praise at Messiah's House right now. All of his messages speak to me, but this one about praise is speaking directly to me.  I love to worship, I love to praise. This however, has brought new revelation and new meaning as I feel called to worship. 

I've had the privilege of sitting under some very good teaching from some really good preachers.  But I can honestly say that Jason has been the person I think I have consistently learned from and enjoyed listening to the most.  By far.  I think there is a "real-ness" that Jason speaks from, a very intimate and open relationship with the Lord, and an honesty with the people he's been called to lead. I am very thankful for my church family, our church home and a pastor living life with us.

I am going to be such a good Grandmother

SOMEDAY!!! 
Not any time soon. 

But one of these days I will get to have grandbabies.  And when I do I will do my best to make food fun like this amazing mom does.  Check out her Fun Food Fridays tab! She rocks!

Rescued, Restored, Redeemed

I mess up. I make mistakes. Sometimes I intentionally do stupid things, other times, stupid just falls on me. I am not perfect. No where close. But I'm trying. I try to do the best I can in most situations. I want to be better. You just can't always see it.

Every day is a new adventure. I want to continually hear the Holy Spirit leading me and guiding me into better choices. (yes, that word again...) I am so very thankful for grace and mercy. And new mornings. New opportunities to get it right. 

One of these nights, as I get ready to sleep, I am going to look back at my day and think, "I did it. I had a good day. I made good choices. I let Jesus lead me. I loved. I laughed. I learned. Even more importantly - I didn't screw anything up today."

It hasn't happened yet. I mean I know I'll never be perfect. I know that without God I'm a miserable mess, but even with Him I am still me. and more often than I care to admit, I see me and my mess in my daily life more than I see Jesus. But one of these days...

I'll see more of Him and less of me.

That's my prayer. More of You Jesus, less of me.  

Until then I keep thanking Him for grace and mercy.

You bring restoration,
You bring restoration,
You bring restoration, to my soul.
You've taken my pain and You call me by a new name.
You've taken my shame and in its place, you give me joy.
You take my mourning, turn it into dancing.
You take my weeping, turn it into laughing.
You take my mourning, turn it into dancing.
You take my sadness, turn it into joy.


Hallelujah, Hallelujah, You make all things new, all things new.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, You make all things new.

This weekend I got to be on the worship team at Messiah's House. I love it, it's a blessing and it's fun. I enjoy the people I get to hang out with and especially love that I get to sing with the team. I have a great passion for worship. We sing a lot of Jesus Culture music, music growing out of Bethel and IHOP music.  Good stuff. I believe most of it is music truly inspired by the heartbeat of God.  These are some of the lyrics that we sang this weekend that renew my hope, encourage me to move forward and bring peace and joy to my soul.

Thanks David Brymer for an awesome song.

It's the right time...

to make certain that your loved ones hear from you that you love them. to enjoy the moment. to live life to the fullest. to spend as much time as you can at the feet of Jesus. it's just time.

I found a link to this blog on my friend Megan's blog. This is real life. This is why we all need to remember - it's time.

We just don't know what our future holds. I am positive that while God wasn't caught off-guard in this situation, this family was, but He is still there. Loving and protecting and guiding. His Love will never fail. He is always there - even in the loneliest moments - He is there.

I have been praying for Val. and her sweet babies. and her future. and her destiny. and I pray that even in the midst of this pain she can praise God and thank Him for the life she is living.

and I have to be even more thankful for my beautiful girls, and for my husband, who is a really good man. I almost lost him a couple of years ago - I'll save that story for a future post, but I am so very thankful for the miracle that saved his life. I cannot even imagine what I would have done if we'd lost him.

I am so sad for Val. so very sad. and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that every day I have to be thankful for another day with the ones I love. I don't know Val, but I know the pain of losing a loved one. I am so very sorry for her loss.

love your family, your children, your spouse. be thankful for every day. remember Val in your prayers. remember she is a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, widow.

and, but for the grace of God, it could be any one of us.

http://www.beinthemomentphoto.com/blog/

It's all about choices...

Several years ago, the Lord spoke to me about the choices we all make. I often said to our girls before they left the house to "make good choices". Everyday I am confronted with opportunities to make choices. We all are... from the mundane to life changing. The hardest thing to remember is that EVERY choice is a life or death choice... it's true, they are. Every choice I make is a step toward life and health, or death and destruction. From choosing salad over fries, to driving 70 instead of my favorite, 82. The outfit I wear over another, the way I spend my money, the words I use and the ones I choose to bite back - they are all choices. And they all have an impact on not only me, but everyone around me and even some I don't know.

I have to CHOOSE every day to try to make better choices. Just as I reminded my girls, I have to remind myself to make good choices. Life choices. Choices that will enhance, improve and benefit my life. I choose today, to give thought and consideration to my choices as much as I possibly can. Lord, help me.