There are still moments

In 1993 we lost a son just after his birth, to a genetic chromosomal defect.  I will never forget him, of course, but most days I can rest in the fact that we'll be together in heaven. 

But there are moments, when the loss and his absence are very real and still painful.  When Will died our girls were little, Leigh Anne was 3 and Lara just 17 months old, so I was busy for the first few years, and tried really hard to keep my mind off of the loss.  I just really tried not to think about it much. or at least avoid reminders.  but there were still moments...

For years, I walked the halls at church to avoid being in the sanctuary during baby dedication services. When he would have been in early elementary school, watching friend's little boys play ball games, was hard.  When the father / son campouts were planned, Steve helped plan, but didn't go.  When the girls started having boys for friends, I wondered what Will would be like as a middle schooler.

When Steve was teaching Lara to drive, I thought about how it would have been to have a boy coming up as a driver just behind her. When there were boy issues I really missed Will, I really wanted a brother there to beat up those jerks I could only pray away.  When Lara and 4 friends went to prom together I wished she'd had a brother to be the one to escort them all.  When Lara moved away to college I longed for my boy to still be at home and be with me.

And now, as graduation time approaches, my heart aches again.  Will would be graduating this year. We'd be planning his big graduation party and getting ready for college and dorm life.  

As we are planning Leigh Anne's wedding, it brings tears too, because I don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle; she doesn't have a brother to include in the groomsmen. 

There are still moments, when tears fall and my heart aches, and I crawl up into my Father's lap and let Him reassure me that He knows my pain.  He gave up His Son, willingly, for me.  I cannot even imagine...